When "good enough" just isn't good enough

There comes a point in your life when if you haven't attained the society "norms", then you are viewed almost as a second class citizen.  Both my sibling and I have somewhat "let the side down" as far as society is concerned because we're in our thirties and we haven't popped out a sprog or two.  We both got married (my sibling stayed that way - me, not so much!). I did things the wrong way round in getting married first as the younger sibling, but I also took the heat from getting divorced.

It would, I expect, be considered terribly uncouth of me to pop out a sprog now I'm not married - and perhaps it would be deemed "not the done thing", especially as I had my chance at marriage and it ended in a divorce that should put me off men for life!  Yet despite having done the "grown up" things of buying a house and getting married, these were not deemed good enough to be treated like a adult by some people.

Now, don't get me wrong, there is a big difference between being an adult and being a "grown up".  The intention of my friends and I is to avoid being a grown up for as long as humanly possible - and the term "responsible adult" strikes fear into our thirty-something hearts.

Anyway, I digress (just for a change!).

So, having passed the big three-zero a couple of years ago Mother Nature's (& society's) big old countdown clock is ticking loud and clear.  So, as far as society's concerned, I have two options.  I can either hurry the hell up and find a suitable mate to breed with (for suitable, see "has a job, isn't a satanist; axe murder or mormon, and has active sperm) - OR, become a mad cat lady.

Let's examine those two options.  Whilst having kids is something that was/is on my to do list, I am also aware that I didn't have kids in my marriage because a)we had a house and a car, and as everyone knows, those two things (especially in combination) cost lots of pennies and b)the relationship, whilst completely amicable, wasn't right for bringing kids into the world.  I figured that there are enough kids in the world whose parents are separated - I didn't want to risk bringing a child into the world when our relationship was only "good enough" as far at the outside world looking in was concerned. And what started off as a fairly amicable separation turned into a horrendous divorce.  So thank crunchie good enough wasn't good enough for me to decide to have children with him. 

The second option is to become a mad cat lady.  Some of my friends would tell you that I'm slightly cracked already - so that takes care of the mad bit.  And cat lady: well, I like cats - sadly I had to leave my two awesome cats on the other side of the world. So now I'd worry that any subsequent cats wouldn't live up to their awesomeness!  But, however, I seem to be a good judge of cat character (though sadly not rabbits or men's characters!) so when I get my own place that could be a possibility.  But no creepy-eyed Siamese cats, or those big fluff ball cats (Burmese?) that remind me of the cat in that Bond film and always have filthy tempers.
 
On reflection, being a mad cat lady is the most appealing of the two options at the moment!

Am I being too demanding (given that I'm a female, over thirty, and it's my "duty" to procreate) to want to be attracted to a man intellectually as well as physically?  To be able to have a conversation at two in the morning about who would win a face-off between Care Bears and Cabbage Patch Kids, or whether bullying would be less prevalent if mindfulness was taught in schools?  To want someone that I can have mind-blowing sex with but will make me a hot water bottle and buy me chocolate when I have P.M.T?

Or, should I be looking into the possibility of settling down with the ok-looking bloke that doesn't have B.O. or any criminal convictions that deigned to pass the time of day with me at the bus stop?  Should I be grateful that he even noticed an old has-been/never was like me?

The thing that always gets me is when you look around you and the crazy guy/ugly as sin woman/complete douche bag in your town has somehow managed to hook up with the love of their life/someone that is either the complete antithesis to them/someone so far out of their league their phone calls cost £5.00 per minute?  Whilst surfing the net I found a quote from a blog called Bridget Jones has nothing on me  that I think sums my feelings about this up quite nicely:

"How does someone as weird as she is have a fiance when I can’t get a normal date to save my life?  There’s only one possible explanation: I was kidnapped by aliens at some point in my life and they’ve done something to me that repels normal men."

So, to sum up - is good enough, good enough?  Hell no, I want my Prince Charming to have a sarcastic sense of humour, know my favourite confectionery like the back of his hand (weird expression - who spends any amount of time looking at the back of their own hand?), is my intellectual equal, be great in bed, and turn up on a Harley (or an Audi TT if it's raining).

Jam, Jerusalem, and the two Mr Darcys

The role of women in society is something I have always been interested in.  How they are portrayed; how they are spoken to; how they view themselves.  We’re kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. If we don’t stand up for ourselves, we’re classed as subservient. If we do, we’re “bloody women’s libbers”. I don’t class myself as a “women’s libber” per se, but I do believe in standing up for what I believe is right.

Considering that the women’s suffrage movement (The National Society for Women’s Suffrage) started in the UK in 1872, it’s surprising really, how little has changed since then.

Random piece of trivia: The term “suffragette” is widely used to describe any women in the suffrage movement.  This term actually only refers to those who used violent means of protest, all other activists were known as Suffragists.

Yes, women have the vote, yes we have the right to own property etc. - but in terms of how we are viewed; spoken to & about - I'm saddened by how little has changed. We are expected to be all things to all people - friend, lover, mother, sister, daughter, career woman, domestic goddess. When the reverse doesn't really happen - blokes are just expected to be "blokey" (burp, fart, swear, talk about "birds" etc.). I wonder whether the days of the saying: "A lady should be a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom" (if anyone can find out who first said this I will credit them) are really gone.

I don't expect a man to "keep me in the lifestyle in which I'd like to become accustomed". In the very short periods of time in my adult life when I have not been working and have been with a partner, I have hated being reliant on them to pay the bills. The likelihood of me running off with a “Mr Darcy” is relatively small - mean, moody, tall dark and handsome and happens to be loaded and have a stately home in the country - um, thanks but no thanks. For starters, he was a moody, brooding git, and whatever Mills and Boon purports, in actuality, those kind of blokes generally have rather large anger management problems! A "Mark Darcy", of Bridget Jones fame is perhaps slightly more likely to cross my path, but, anyway, I digress (you'll get used to that).

I'm not a domestic goddess, and quite frankly, I'm sick of the notion of being made to feel like less of a woman for not being one.  I can't make jam, and the only words I know of "Jerusalem" are "and did those feet, in ancient times, walk upon England's something or other". Were I to join the W.I., I would be the "naughty one" in the back being told off for giggling - probably something like Helen Mirren & Julia Walters' characters in the film "Calendar Girls". I would be Helen Mirren's character, buying a Victoria sponge from M&S after being emotionally blackmailed into entering a W.I. cake competition.  

Unfortunately, I feel that women are viewed in a much harsher light than men are. I am not a witch, lesbian, bitch or a man-hater - terms that are often thrown at women if they step out of the pre-defined, "acceptable", subservient role that women are expected to play by some (including some pre-conditioned women, as well as men).  Housewife (or house-husband!) is a term that kinda irritates me - indicating that one is married to the house - shackled almost. Home-maker is an alternative term that some use, but I don't think it's much better. 

From friends and relatives and people I know through women's groups, it seems that women are still being treated as a second class citizen in some respects. There are women that I know who are "housewives" and/or mothers, that don't get any weekends or holidays off from their "chosen career". Whilst their partner gets evenings and weekends off from work, a lot of these women don't. They still feed and bathe, and read stories to the kids after their partner gets home from work, they are the ones that get up with the kids at the weekend. They still wash up/load the dishwasher, hoover up & clean the kitchen after dinner & at the weekends. And that makes me sad. 

I don't think all their husbands or partners are awful people; I don't think they are all b*stards; I don't think that they do nothing to contribute to the household; and I'm not trying to tar all men with the same brush. But this is a great example of women being taken for granted, and in a way that so many people don't even realise. This isn't a men-slagging vehicle - I have some friends and relatives that are great examples of running an "equal as possible" household. That doesn't mean that both partners have to cook, that they both have to cut the grass, they both have to build the flat-pack furniture. 

To me, equality doesn't mean you all have to do exactly the same thing.  To me, equality is about respect. You will never hear me utter the vow "I promise to obey" (please, friends that are reading this, if I lose the plot completely and do ever do this, shoot me!). And I would never ask a partner of mine to say that vow. Because I feel that is disrespectful, indicating that one partner is more powerful, that their views are more valid than the other's.   

Any potential partner that is hoping I'm going to be a Bree Van Der Kamp from Desperate Housewives is going to be sadly disappointed. I have no idea how to make a successful soufflé or the perfect puff pastry. But I'm house-trained; am more than happy to take my turn in cooking a meal that doesn't come out of the freezer compartment at the supermarket; I am capable of intelligent conversation (apart from first thing in the morning); I can put together an Ikea flat-pack wardrobe without feeling the need to launch it out the window; I don't spend my monthly wage and half of my partner's on clothes, and I'm quite happy spending the afternoon in B&Q.

And here endeth today's murmurings - I'm sure I will return to the role of women in later blogs!