Mental Health Awareness Week 2020

I have several chronic health conditions, but the ones that have dogged me from a very young age are depression and anxiety. So this is my blog for Mental Health Awareness Week 2020. 

I’ll start with a couple of caveats. This is about MY experiences with living with chronic illness, specifically living with mental health conditions – and everyone’s experiences are personal to them. My second caveat is that one of my coping mechanisms is humour – not because I don’t think mental health is a serious issue, just in the same way that many emergency services staff use “gallows humour” to deal with what they experience.

Lots of people think they know what poor mental health looks like. It looks like this, right?

😟   😢  😡

Wrong. It can look like that, but people with mental health conditions can also laugh, joke, run marathons (not me, but some weird people like running!) etc.

Depression and anxiety can manifest in many ways. It can sap you of all energy and motivation; it can strip all of the joy from activities you have previously enjoyed, or been comforted by; it can lead you to put others before yourself at the expense of your own sanity or health; it can make your brain full of “shoulds”, and “musts”, and “why didn’t I”? and “why did I do that”s, and a constant replay of things you could have done better; it can lead to sensory overload and feeling totally exhausted by “peopling”; it can make you obsessive in your need to do more, be more, achieve more; or you can literally not have the motivation to get out of bed, let alone get to work or have a social life.

I mentioned above that poor mental health does not manifest in one specific way. A lot of people with poor mental health (especially those of us that have dealt with it for a long time) have one thing in common (in the same way as sufferers of lots of other “hidden” conditions). What is it? We’re flipping good actors a lot of the time.

You may assume that those of us with mental health conditions may be quiet, reserved, socially distant, uncooperative, uncaring towards others etc. etc. And whilst it can manifest in those ways, it can also be hidden behind a façade of being sociable, funny, sarcastic, providing service to others, and nothing being too much trouble in a constant need to “prove” ourselves as worthy of the respect of others.

Just a handful of comedians that suffer/ed with mental health issues for context on the façade front:

Jason Manford; Ruby Wax; Robin Williams; Catherine Tate; Caroline Aherne; David Walliams.

Some people manage poor mental health with meditation, herbal tea, gratitude journals, yoga etc. and find that works well for them and no other input is required. Some people, (like me) use a variety of coping mechanisms. I use (amongst other things) dance, humour, music, blogging, reading, and medication. I have been on medication all of my adult life, and I may well be on it forever. Some medication has worked better than others over the years, but it helps me. Some people believe that you should only be on medication for short periods of time, and they’re entitled to that belief. I’m also entitled to do what works for me.

Sadly, even in these so-say enlightened times, in a “first world” country, pretty much everyone I know that has any kind of mental health condition has faced stigma at some point. Some people are still scared of mental health issues, especially if they have no experience of them themselves. I think there is an assumption that if we are struggling, then we want/need someone to fix us. And therefore, if you don’t have any understanding of mental health issues, people think that they’re “not qualified” to provide support, so don’t say anything.

But it’s ok, right? Because our friends and family will always support our struggles, won’t they? No! Whilst some people have excellent support networks for their “bad” days, no matter how many times they try to explain to certain people what they’re going through, said people will say “pull yourself  together”, or “there are people in the world way worse off than you, so what are you complaining about?”. That’s not kind, nor is it helpful. That is also not how depression and anxiety works.

The theme of this year's Mental Health Awareness Campaign is "kindness". So what does being kind look like? It doesn’t have to be about the big gestures, like whisking someone away for a spa weekend, or buying someone an expensive gift. Being kind can take a matter of minutes, cost nothing, but absolutely mean the world to the recipient. It’s about picking your timing, your location, and relevance. What do I mean by this?

Well, I’m normally pretty good at putting up a front and coming across as bubbly and sociable. If I’m in a meeting and I am quiet, reserved, react differently than I normally would etc., that meeting would not be the time to see if I’m OK. I do not want to be asked what’s up with me in a room full of people – that would be humiliating. However, were you to pull me aside quietly after the meeting and ask if I wanted to go for a cuppa just to have a catch up - that would be fine. If I then feel comfortable opening up to you, I will. If I don’t, then just going for that cuppa and having a general chat might just be enough of a distraction to get me through the day.

So, what do I mean by relevance? Think about the things you know your colleague/friend/family member etc. likes. What makes them happy? Do they have a favourite comedian, actor, musical artist, or author? What makes them smile?

For example, if you bought me the most expensive tickets for the FA Cup final to cheer me up as you really like football – that would provide no enjoyment for me whatsoever and would be a complete waste of money. You’d probably feel like you’d been really generous and might be stumped by the fact that I looked embarrassed and unimpressed. However, if you sent me a meme with a quote from a comedian I like; or wrote me a card saying you knew I was struggling and that you were here if I needed anything; or made me playlist of my favourite happy songs – I’d really appreciate that.

You don’t have to know someone really well to be supportive to them. Whilst there are several stalwart friends that I can rely on in the bad times, there are also people that have really stepped up when I’ve been struggling that I would never have thought to ask for help. Sometimes the kindness of strangers/people you don’t know well can make the difference between whether you feel you can dust yourself off and battle on for another day, or whether you just want a crater to open beneath you and swallow you whole.

By the same token, don’t assume that you have a “right” to know what’s going on with someone if they seem out of sorts. By all means, ask if they would like a chat/some support, but don’t be offended if they say they’re fine, or say “thanks but no thanks”. Sometimes I need to talk through my issues, sometimes I need to listen to some angry rock music to get through a bad day, sometimes I need to hide under my duvet and not talk to anyone for a few days – what I’m saying is one size doesn’t fit all.

Being kind to yourself? Yeah, that’s the one I struggle with! I’m probably harder on myself than anyone else is. But I try, some days I’m better at it, some days I’m not so kind to myself. But I’m trying.

Some people might judge me for being more open about my struggles. Some people might say my combination of health issues make me “less than”, somehow lacking. And you know what I say to those people? Before you judge a person, walk a mile in their shoes. I’m not going to attribute the quote to a particular person as the original origin is disputed.

I may be bruised sometimes, but I am a fighter, I am empathic towards others, I am thoughtful, I am considerate and try to do right by other people. If that makes me "less than" in your eyes, then so be it.

So if you’re looking for a skill to perfect during Covid-19 lockdown, make it this: “In a world where you can be anything, be kind”.

I’ll leave you with these pictures as food for thought.

A picture of a sad, quite thin looking man, the shadow behind him shows a muscly man