I have several chronic health
conditions, but the ones that have dogged me from a very young age are
depression and anxiety. So this is my blog for Mental Health Awareness Week
2020.
I’ll start with a
couple of caveats. This is about MY experiences with living with chronic
illness, specifically living with mental health conditions – and everyone’s
experiences are personal to them. My second caveat is that one of my coping
mechanisms is humour – not because I don’t think mental health is a serious
issue, just in the same way that many emergency services staff use “gallows
humour” to deal with what they experience.
Lots of people think they know what poor mental health
looks like. It looks like this, right?
😟 😢 😡
Wrong. It can look like that, but
people with mental health conditions can also laugh, joke, run marathons (not
me, but some weird people like running!) etc.
Depression and anxiety can manifest in many ways. It can
sap you of all energy and motivation; it can strip all of the joy from
activities you have previously enjoyed, or been comforted by; it can lead you
to put others before yourself at the expense of your own sanity or health; it
can make your brain full of “shoulds”, and “musts”, and “why didn’t I”? and “why
did I do that”s, and a constant replay of things you could have done better; it
can lead to sensory overload and feeling totally exhausted by “peopling”; it
can make you obsessive in your need to do more, be more, achieve more; or you
can literally not have the motivation to get out of bed, let alone get to work
or have a social life.
I mentioned above that poor mental health does not
manifest in one specific way. A lot of people with poor mental health
(especially those of us that have dealt with it for a long time) have one thing
in common (in the same way as sufferers of lots of other “hidden” conditions).
What is it? We’re flipping good actors a lot of the time.
You may assume that those of us with mental health
conditions may be quiet, reserved, socially distant, uncooperative, uncaring
towards others etc. etc. And whilst it can manifest in those ways, it can also
be hidden behind a façade of being sociable, funny, sarcastic, providing
service to others, and nothing being too much trouble in a constant need to
“prove” ourselves as worthy of the respect of others.
Just a handful of comedians that suffer/ed with mental
health issues for context on the façade front:
Jason Manford; Ruby Wax; Robin Williams; Catherine Tate; Caroline
Aherne; David Walliams.
Some people manage poor mental health with meditation,
herbal tea, gratitude journals, yoga etc. and find that works well for them and
no other input is required. Some people, (like me) use a variety of coping
mechanisms. I use (amongst other things) dance, humour, music, blogging,
reading, and medication. I have been on medication all of my adult life, and I
may well be on it forever. Some medication has worked better than others over
the years, but it helps me. Some people believe that you should only be on
medication for short periods of time, and they’re entitled to that belief. I’m
also entitled to do what works for me.
Sadly, even in these so-say enlightened times, in a
“first world” country, pretty much everyone I know that has any kind of mental
health condition has faced stigma at some point. Some people are still scared
of mental health issues, especially if they have no experience of them
themselves. I think there is an assumption that if we are struggling, then we
want/need someone to fix us. And therefore, if you don’t have any understanding
of mental health issues, people think that they’re “not qualified” to provide
support, so don’t say anything.
But it’s ok, right? Because our friends and family will
always support our struggles, won’t they? No! Whilst some people have excellent
support networks for their “bad” days, no matter how many times they try to
explain to certain people what they’re going through, said people will say “pull
yourself together”, or “there are people
in the world way worse off than you, so what are you complaining about?”.
That’s not kind, nor is it helpful. That is also not how depression and anxiety
works.
The theme of this year's Mental Health Awareness Campaign is "kindness". So what does being kind look like? It doesn’t have to be
about the big gestures, like whisking someone away for a spa weekend, or buying
someone an expensive gift. Being kind can take a matter of minutes, cost
nothing, but absolutely mean the world to the recipient. It’s about picking
your timing, your location, and relevance. What do I mean by this?
Well, I’m normally pretty good at putting up a front and
coming across as bubbly and sociable. If I’m in a meeting and I am quiet,
reserved, react differently than I normally would etc., that meeting would not
be the time to see if I’m OK. I do not want to be asked what’s up with me in a
room full of people – that would be humiliating. However, were you to pull me
aside quietly after the meeting and ask if I wanted to go for a cuppa just to
have a catch up - that would be fine. If I then feel comfortable opening up to
you, I will. If I don’t, then just going for that cuppa and having a
general chat might just be enough of a distraction to get me through the day.
So, what do I mean by relevance? Think about the things
you know your colleague/friend/family member etc. likes. What makes them happy?
Do they have a favourite comedian, actor, musical artist, or author? What makes
them smile?
For example, if you bought me the most expensive tickets
for the FA Cup final to cheer me up as you really like football – that would
provide no enjoyment for me whatsoever and would be a complete waste of money.
You’d probably feel like you’d been really generous and might be stumped by the
fact that I looked embarrassed and unimpressed. However, if you sent me a meme
with a quote from a comedian I like; or wrote me a card saying you knew I was
struggling and that you were here if I needed anything; or made me playlist of
my favourite happy songs – I’d really appreciate that.
You don’t have to know someone really well to be
supportive to them. Whilst there are several stalwart friends that I can rely
on in the bad times, there are also people that have really stepped up when
I’ve been struggling that I would never have thought to ask for help. Sometimes
the kindness of strangers/people you don’t know well can make the difference
between whether you feel you can dust yourself off and battle on for another
day, or whether you just want a crater to open beneath you and swallow you
whole.
By the same token, don’t assume that you have a “right”
to know what’s going on with someone if they seem out of sorts. By all means,
ask if they would like a chat/some support, but don’t be offended if they say
they’re fine, or say “thanks but no thanks”. Sometimes I need to talk through
my issues, sometimes I need to listen to some angry rock music to get through a
bad day, sometimes I need to hide under my duvet and not talk to anyone for a
few days – what I’m saying is one size doesn’t fit all.
Being kind to yourself? Yeah, that’s the one I struggle
with! I’m probably harder on myself than anyone else is. But I try, some days
I’m better at it, some days I’m not so kind to myself. But I’m trying.
Some people might judge me for being more open about my
struggles. Some people might say my combination of health issues make me “less
than”, somehow lacking. And you know what I say to those people? Before you
judge a person, walk a mile in their shoes. I’m not going to attribute the
quote to a particular person as the original origin is disputed.
I may be bruised sometimes, but I am a fighter, I am
empathic towards others, I am thoughtful, I am considerate and try to do right by other people. If that makes me "less than" in your eyes, then so be it.
So if you’re looking for a skill to perfect during
Covid-19 lockdown, make it this: “In a world where you can be anything, be kind”.
I’ll leave you with these pictures as food for thought.
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| A picture of a sad, quite thin looking man, the shadow behind him shows a muscly man |
